Call Me Crazy

If you've experienced betrayal personally, you'll remember what it's like to have your emotions in overdrive. The constant cycle of sadness, anger, shock, pain, and basically every negative emotion under the sun. In a previous post, I said that I was going to tell my story - even the parts that may not show me in the best light - and those parts are going to be the focus of this post. I definitely did some crazy, at times maybe even unhinged, things. Some were understandable. Some, maybe not so much. I wanted to share these things not because I'm condoning going off the rails, but because most of us who are or have been on this journey have gone through a similar phase. It's normal to act out of pain when you're trying to survive such a traumatic experience. Some of these things felt good in the moment but I later regretted, while others I don't regret and would do again. I'm not going to tell you which ones are which though (and please don't get any ideas!).

One of the first things I did after finding out about my husband's betrayal was to gather up all our wedding canvases, tote them outside, and proceed to smash them. I even threw one in our pond. I couldn't bear to look at them anymore, to see my white dress and our smiles, to remember standing at the altar and looking into his blue eyes. Simply looking at the pictures was painful. To me, they represented something that no longer existed. We would never be that happy couple again. Apparently he didn't respect me, or our marriage, or our vows. The whole wedding felt like a facade. He watched me as I did the smashing. I think he might have even recorded me. But, at that moment, I was a woman scorned, so I didn't really care about what he was doing.

Another thing I did was rip up and burn K's sweater. This was a little later, and at this point, he was supposedly no longer in contact with her. You can understand my rage when I saw a hunter green sweater sticking out of his backpack. It wasn't mine. I knew immediately that it was hers and that he had been lying to me about not seeing her anymore. I put it on and flaunted it in front of him to see if he would notice. He had to have known, but I don't remember what he said. Whatever it was, it royally pissed me off. So, I ripped it up with my bare hands. And no, I'm not that strong, it was just super flimsy. Then, he told me he was going to give it BACK to her like that. Well, I never wanted her to see that sweater again. Earlier that day, he had a small fire going to burn some things in the yard. It was mostly just embers now, but that was good enough for me. I high-tailed it outside and dumped it on the remains of the fire. Along the way, I tripped over the wood pile, fell into it, and scraped my bare leg so hard it bled. I still have the scars.

It gets better. Or maybe I should say worse. I also smashed a highly coveted and expensive gaming system of his - let's just say it started with PS and ended with 5 - and put the pieces out with the trash. Essentially I did this because he was making absolutely zero effort to start rebuilding trust between us. He continued to lie to me about her. He sat around and played video games, while I was literally bawling my eyes out. To him, it seemed like it was just another day. I didn't understand how he could play video games at a time like this, while his wife was distraught and heartbroken. My logic was that if I got rid of his gaming system, then maybe he would take the time he spent on that and redirect it to fixing our marriage. I was wrong. He just bought another one right away. But, it was worth a shot, right?

Maybe you think I'm certifiably crazy at this point, but there's more: I submitted evidence of his affair to the HR department at his work. Now to be fair, I'm pretty sure they were already on to him. A full month before I reported him, he texted me "Lol they're trying to accuse me of like lying about my hours at work." He had an explanation ready, because obviously he wouldn't have been able to tell me the real reason. Regardless, I wasn't planning on doing this initially. But C still worked with K, and despite my repeated requests to set boundaries, he did nothing to put my mind at ease. He continued to ride around with her in the work truck, even though one of them could've easily taken their personal vehicle. Meanwhile, I was at work, and I was finding it hard to do my job when my thoughts were elsewhere. I told him over text that it was "absolute torture" to me and that "It's all I think about. Constantly. Even at work. What are they talking about? What BS is she saying about us?" His response was"My job is going to expect that she's with me" and "I'm not doing anything with her, I'm just working." He didn't seem concerned for how it was affecting me nor did he try to come up with a solution. And I got sick of it. Sick of the disrespect for our marriage and the lack of consideration for me. So, I did the only thing I knew to do to get rid of the problem - turn him in. He got fired, and of course blamed that on me. Yeah, most definitely my fault and not the consequences of his own actions catching up to him. You can't get fired unless you're doing something wrong. But he didn't see it that way. I guess his mom didn't either, because on the same day he got fired, she changed her profile picture to one that no longer had me in it. Message received. And in the end, it really didn't take care of the problem, because I couldn't stop him from seeing her outside of work.

Another thing I did was jump on his back trying to get his phone. So, he had told me multiple times that he would let me see his phone so I could be reassured he was not in communication with K. But every single time I asked, he refused and said something about his "privacy." Since he had changed the passcode, I was no longer able to get in it. One day, he left it sitting out on the counter while he was cooking. I saw my opportunity and snatched it. I wasn't quick enough, because then he grabbed me and got it back. I was determined to see that phone. I knew he was lying to me and that his "privacy" was a cover for talking to her. So, I jumped on his back and tried to get it. He proceeded to call 911 and tell them that his wife was attacking him, which was definitely a pretty big stretch. This man has rock hard biceps, is way stronger than me, and I was weapon-less. I don't know what damage I could have possibly done. I wasn't trying to do any damage or hurt him. I just wanted to see that phone, to expose his secrets. When the cops got there, he apparently told them that I had calmed down and they didn't need to arrest me. How generous of him! Then he proceeded to tell everyone in his inner circle that I was violent and he was scared of me. If you know me personally, you're probably laughing right now. I am the type of person who goes out of her way to save insects. This was just another instance of him turning the focus toward my reaction and away from his actions. I'm not saying that what I did was right (it wasn't), but I got fed up of hearing empty promises and continued lies. There's only so much of that a woman can take.

Maybe I was a little crazy, maybe I was a little unhinged, but I felt justified. Whether or not I was is entirely subjective. His betrayal sparked the fire, and I poured on the gasoline. All of this to say - if you've done some crazy stuff during this process, you're not alone. I've heard stories of cars being keyed, and tires being slashed, and belongings being tossed out of windows. Even Carrie Underwood says "I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights" in her song Before He Cheats. So, don't beat yourself up too much for acting a little deranged - as long as deranged does not include physical violence or murder, because those things are never okay. Although I wasn't literally facing a lion like our ancestors, my body thought I was. It was in fight mode, survival mode. At the end of the day, I did what I felt I had to do to process my grief and my rage. I didn't care how I looked or what anyone else thought in those moments. All I wanted to do was protect myself. Once I was safe and sound from the emotional harm of the situation, the wave of crazy in me disappeared as swiftly as it had rolled in. The ocean stilled and became calm again. If you're in the midst of the storm right now, hang tight. Find your safe place, and wait for it to pass. When it does, you will marvel at your own strength for surviving.