From Accepted to Rejected

One of the most painful and even surprising things about this entire ordeal was not only the loss of C's family (which I talk about here), but the complete lack of support I received from them during all this. As I mentioned previously, his family accepted me with open arms - or at least, that's how it seemed to me. Some of my favorite memories include going prom dress shopping with my sister-in-law (SIL), playing kickball in the yard with my nieces & nephews, traveling to Michigan to attend a Tulip Festival, and shopping in the historic downtown area with my mother-in-law (MIL). I took my SIL's senior pictures and cap-and-gown pictures, and attended her graduation where she gave the Valedictorian speech. I helped set up her graduation party. I watched The Devil Wears Prada at a historic theatre with my MIL and SIL. I absolutely loved my father-in-law's homemade tamales; he made them occasionally at my request. I played Roblox with my youngest niece, and we sang Adele in the car. When she slept over, she slept in bed next to me. I colored and painted with my oldest niece, and watched her go from a kid to a pre-teen before my eyes. I remember pushing my two youngest nephews on the swing-set in my in-law's backyard. I played a matching game with another nephew; at 4 years old, he was a little cheater! My nieces got me to do fashion shows, in which I picked the silliest combination of things from my closet and pretended to walk the runway. I don't have a lot of memories with my oldest nephew, because he was a teenager and it wasn't "cool" to hang out with me, but I did go fishing with him and my husband a few times. Since my birthday and my two nieces' birthdays were all in the month of June, one year my MIL had a birthday party for all 3 of us at her house. And a fun little tidbit - my youngest niece was born almost exactly 20 years to the day after me - she was born June 23rd and me June 24th. I remember watching the birds in my MIL's backyard. She had a ton of bird feeders, and as the resident "bird expert," I was asked to identify any unknown visitors. I was in 2 different family group chats. I frequently went to lunch with my SIL. One summer, C and I road-tripped across the country to Colorado, and we met up with 4 family members there for a vacation. The family gatherings at parties and holidays were always chaotic, but I grew to love them and feel like I belonged. I was so grateful for the relationships I had developed with his family, and I was absolutely certain that they would last forever - even if, heaven forbid, something ever happened between their son and I.

As I look back, there a few things that I thought were a little strange. For one, I remember C telling me when we were newly dating something like his mom didn't want to lose him to me. He made her seem jealous of me. I wasn't there for that conversation, so I thought she could've been joking. And later on, I thought that if she hadn't been joking, eventually she grew to love me and realized I was trying to be a part of the family, not take her son away from her. I also remember giving her a canvas of one of our wedding photos as a gift, but I never saw it anywhere in their house. Not one picture of C and I was displayed anywhere, except for our Save the Date invitation that was stuck on their fridge. And I don't know if that means anything. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing every little thing. Either way, add it to the list of things I'll never know.

When everything came crashing down, I was 100% certain that my in-laws would be on my side. After all, I wasn't the one who cheated; he was. Initially, it seemed like they were. But I quickly noticed a growing rift in the relationship. Our group chats disappeared, and I started to hear from them less and less. Meanwhile, I was drowning, desperately trying to keep my head above water. Since C didn't seem to care about what he was putting me through, I looked for other outlets to numb my pain. Some of those outlets were definitely not healthy. For one, I started casually dating. C refused to stop talking to or seeing K, which was obviously not okay with me, and at this point we had separated. I'm not proud of seeking out other men to cope, but it's part of my story, so I'm going to include it. I felt broken, worthless, and rejected due to C's betrayal. I even thought that maybe my weight gain played a part in why he cheated. I hated myself, and it made me feel good to know that someone else thought I was pretty and wanted to spend time with me, when my own husband discarded me like it was trash day. I also comfort ate - anything I could get my hands on, to drown out these awful feelings. Were these the best ways to cope? No. I wish I could go back. But honestly, at the time, I was just trying to survive. I didn't know how else to process everything that I was going through. My family was in another state, my friends didn't understand, my in-laws were quiet, and I felt utterly and completely alone. Now, I wonder if I did those things because they were something within my control at the time. I clearly couldn't control what he was doing, and that hurt. I didn't want him to see her, or talk to her. I wished she didn't exist, that they had never met, that she had considered my feelings. I don't really know why I made the choices I did, but I was in survival mode. Numb the pain mode. Heartbreak mode.

One of the things I did in the aftermath of the divorce was to write my in-laws a letter. I did it for my own closure, but also because I wanted them to know how much I loved and cared about them, how important they were to me. I tried not to say anything negative about C or K; in fact, I barely mentioned them at all. I ended the letter by telling them how much I missed them and that I hated that things happened the way they did, but that nothing would ever change the love I felt for them. The letter ended up being 4 pages (2 front and back) and it was written straight from my heart. Once again, I was so sure that I would hear something. But I didn't. They never even acknowledged the letter. My former MIL did reach out to me about something else, and I gave her a snippet of my side of the story. She didn't acknowledge anything I went through at all, didn't apologize for the pain her son had caused. Come to find out, she was "under the impression that I had a boyfriend and we were both going our separate ways." She also said that C told her I was "moving forward with a relationship with someone else and seeing where it goes." And apparently he was crying and upset about it. She also said that C was "trying to pick up the pieces and move forward" like I was doing.

I was absolutely FURIOUS. First of all, how dare she say that he was trying to pick up the pieces like I was. He's the one who broke the pieces in the first place!! I felt like she was comparing our situations, which were not the same at all, not even close. He made his choices. He decided to cheat and lie. But me? I didn't ask for this. I didn't make the choices that led to the downfall of our marriage, yet I was stuck enduring the fall-out. Second of all, she thought I had a boyfriend and was pursuing another relationship?! I never had a boyfriend, and I was never pursuing a relationship with someone else. Not like that. I couldn't believe that's what C was telling them. And not only that, but to go crying to her and act all upset about ME going on some dates when he's the one who cheated?! I never would have even done any of that if he hadn't cheated in the first place!! I was honest with her about dating to numb my pain, and that I regretted it. I told her that what he said about me having a boyfriend and moving on wasn't true, but I don't think she believed me. It was clear what he was doing. He was refusing to take responsibility for his actions. He was turning the focus away from what he did, and onto my reaction to what he did. What was I supposed to do while he was out with K - sit around and cry? I mean, I definitely did plenty of that, but I also tried to find distractions to numb my pain and emotional distress.

I had been wondering why my in-laws went silent and essentially abandoned me. Now I had my answer. C was telling them that it was all me. I was the one who broke HIS heart. They never even asked me for my side of the story, and when I did tell them parts, it wasn't even acknowledged. C was playing the victim, and I was to blame. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am very loyal. I give and love with my whole heart. I'm genuine and sincere (if I'm wrong, someone please correct me!). I thought that after seven years with me in their life, my in-laws would know that. There was nothing in my history with them that I was ashamed of. No fights, no unkind words, nothing. But apparently none of that mattered. They blindly accepted his version of events, while I was made out to be the villain.

My mom tried to tell me, at the beginning of all this, that blood was thicker than water. That he was their son, and it didn't matter if he was in the wrong, they were still going to side with him. I laughed and told her that they were different, they weren't like that. I thought they could still support him while acknowledging that what he did was wrong and that it hurt me very much. But, moms are always right, aren't they? In the end, their loyalty was to their son. Not to me. They previously said I was their bonus daughter, but I sure didn't feel like they were treating me like one anymore. This felt like ANOTHER betrayal. All the love I gave to C, all the love I gave to his family - gone, just like that. It meant nothing to them. And here I was, missing them every single day and shedding tears for what I'd lost. But did I really lose anything? Can you lose something that was never there to begin with? Just like C made his choices, they made theirs. Their choice was not truth, or honesty, or unconditional love. It was pure loyalty to C. Maybe part of them suspects he's lying, and they're turning a blind eye to it. Maybe they do believe his lies. But it really doesn't matter, because the outcome is still the same. In my darkest hour, they abandoned me.

Which leads me to the here and now. How do I move forward, knowing that my character was attacked, that a false narrative was spun about me, that everyone thinks I'm the bad guy? How do I come to terms with the fact that the family I loved and cared for wholeheartedly didn't return it? Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm still figuring it out. Their silence, their betrayal still hurts. Maybe it always will. But I feel good about the person I was around them. I showed them my true self, and if they choose not to believe it, that's on them. I feel good about sending them a letter and letting them know how much I loved them. I opened up to them, and if they choose to ignore it, there's nothing I can do about it. You can't force someone to love you. If you have to even try to do that, they're not worthy of it in the first place. The only thing I know to do is to take that love and redirect it - to people who DO support me. To the people that have been by my side since everything fell apart, and continue to stand by me as I rebuild. To the people who deserve it. To myself.

"The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross