Hanging On Hurts

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, listening to my "break-up" playlist. It's 10:06pm. The last couple days have been pretty eventful, and not in a good way. But, even though the pain cuts through me like a knife, I somehow feel like I took a step forward. I'm moving in the right direction, even if it's not the direction I wanted to go.

The last thing I was hanging on to was the relationship I had with my in-laws. Or, the one I thought I had. If only you knew how many tears I've cried for them. I guess I thought that I could maintain a relationship from a distance. I mean, I spent the better half of a decade with these people. They started out as strangers and became family. Now we're back to strangers. Maybe I was naive, but I thought that since their son was the one who cheated, that they would support me at least a little bit. I knew he was their son, but I didn't see why the two things were mutually exclusive. Couldn't they acknowledge the love they had for me, and still stand by their son? Apparently not. Instead, my ex mother-in-law was now just as bad as my ex-husband - she was lying to me, too!

Well, I still have my nieces and nephews, right? They're innocent. But then THAT got taken away from me too. It all started when my 8-year-old niece wanted to FaceTime me. I hadn't seen her in months, and I wanted to tell her how much I missed and loved her. What I didn't realize was that she was at the house that I formerly shared with C. The one that, legally, was still half mine. While I was talking to her, my 6-year-old nephew wanted to say hi to me. At one point, I thought I heard a woman's voice in the background, but I kinda brushed it off. As far as I knew, the only people there were my niece, two nephews, and my ex-husband. Well, all of a sudden my little nephew makes a comment about K. He didn't pronounce her name right, but it was clearly her name he was saying. And from how he was talking, she was there, at that very moment. When just minutes earlier my niece was telling me how much my ex-husband missed me and wanted to talk to me. I knew I was about to lose it, so I quickly told them I had to go and hung up. And then I lost it, screaming and crying. "WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME? WHY CAN'T SOMEONE JUST TELL THE TRUTH?? I WANT HER OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

I knew my ex had stooped to some pretty low levels, but this was a new low even for him. Now he was using innocent children to get to me, telling them how much he misses me all while he and K are clearly together. She's obviously part of the family if she's met the nieces and nephews. And to make it worse, my ex mother-in-law was vehemently denying that C had a girlfriend or that he and K were together. She said she was 100% certain K wasn't at our house that night. But I HEARD my nephew loud and clear. And I also saw the look on my niece's face after he said K's name. Her eyes got real wide, and her face had that Uh-oh look, like she knew they weren't supposed to say anything. How messed up does a person have to be to involve children who are too young to understand or know any better? How messed up does someone have to be to literally rip a beloved aunt out of these kids' lives and introduce them to a replacement right away? I basically had been around for their entire lives. They loved me, and I loved them. Earlier that same night, my older niece had sent me a text that said "We miss you so much and want our aunt back."

I was filled with so many emotions. Sadness, because I missed them so much and they didn't - couldn't -understand what was happening, or that I would never be coming back. Anger, because how could my ex take someone who truly adored his nieces and nephews and just get rid of her? Disappointment, because I thought my ex mother-in-law was better than being complicit in the deception. And dread, because I knew what I had to do. I knew that as much as I loved and cared for my nieces and nephews, that I could no longer be in contact with them. The wound would never close otherwise. I didn't want to know anything about my ex-husband, or K, or anything to do with the two of them. I didn't want to hear the kids' desperate pleas for me to come back. Every time they told me they missed me and loved me, it just pulled at my heartstrings and made the wound start bleeding again. I would never be able to heal and move forward if I had to deal with that. And despite the heart full of love that I have for them, I have to protect my heart. It can't take any more pain right now.

I'm still sitting here, now listening to "You're Not Sorry" by Taylor Swift. Tears are streaming down my face. I'm thinking about how, earlier today, I did what I never imagined I'd be doing. I unfriended my ex-husband's family, blocked them on social media, and even changed my phone number. Maybe that seems drastic to you, maybe not. But I felt it was my only option if I wanted to continue making progress. I had to put the past behind me. I had done my damndest to maintain the relationships despite the way things ended between their son and I. I had mailed my ex in-laws a letter telling them how much I loved them; I continued to text my ex sister-in-law and be there for my nieces and nephews. But at the end of the day, you can't force people to love you back. And maybe they do love me - I don't claim to know - but the fact is that their love for their son, even though he wronged me, is greater than any love they could ever have for me. My nieces and nephews loved me without limits, but unfortunately, they were collateral damage in the divorce. As unjust as that is, I'm not the one who did this.

I really want to go outside and scream at how unfair all of this is. It's yet another betrayal, another loss. I've literally lost everything. My marriage, my home, my job, my pets, my trust in men, my faith in humanity, my in-laws, my nieces and nephews, my hopes and dreams with C, and more. In one fell swoop, the rug was pulled out from under me and I was left with my head spinning wondering what happened to my life. I can't stop thinking about how my nieces and nephews are completely innocent. How they're going to be asking where I am, wanting to see me again. Eventually, they're going to realize that's not going to happen. Hopefully they will never forget me, but they will be forced to move on, like me. In this moment, I am filled with rage at C. Did he even think about all the lives that would be affected by his decisions? At this moment, there are children missing their aunt Hannah, wanting things to go back to the way they were and have always been (for them). A few states away, there is a girl crying in her room missing them back. Missing her in-laws, even though they don't appear to miss her. I guess none of that matters to C. He made a choice, and that one choice forever changed the course of multiple lives. But hey, at least he's happy.

Despite the events of these past couple days, I feel a strange kind of peace. This isn't what I wanted, but right now, it's what I NEED. It's like I had a bouquet of balloons that was weighing me down, but I was determined not to let go of the strings - until I realized that if I didn't let go, I was going to be swept up into the skies of sorrow. So, with tears in my eyes, I let the balloons go. I watch them float away, wishing them well on their journey. I have my own journey I must take. The path is waiting, whether I'm ready or not. I look up and wave goodbye. And then, I trudge forward, ready for whatever this next trek will bring. It's 11:21pm. Tomorrow brings a new day, and hopefully the pain will be just a little less. And as a fitting end to my late night writing sesh, the song playing now is "I Can Do it With a Broken Heart." And I can. I will be okay. I will piece my heart back together, no matter how long it takes. As Taylor says in the song: Cause I'm a real tough kid/I can handle my s**t.