Hugs, Hope, & Broken Hearts

Today is another first, another one of those little holidays throughout the year. And the funny thing is, I'm really not even sad. Not like I was on your birthday a week ago. Instead, I'm angry. At the universe for being unfair, at you for shattering my world, at myself for trusting you. Not to mention, I'm cynical. All around the world, couples are celebrating their love. Some will purchase flowers and candy and cute stuffed animals. Some will share a fancy dinner over candlelight, while others will get take-out and watch a movie. Some will begin officially dating, some will make it more official with a proposal. The night will end with promises of everlasting love and passionate displays of affection. But not for me. Which begs me to wonder - Is anyone really happy in their relationship? Do they really believe in "til' death do us part?"

So there you have it: I'm angry, and cynical, and angry at you for causing me to become cynical in the first place. And once again, I can't help but wonder what SHE has planned for today. Or better yet, what you might have up your sleeve. Both of you making goo-goo eyes at each other, hugging and kissing and all of the other things couples do. You'll probably talk about how happy you are to be spending this day together, how you're just so in love, how you have the rest of your lives together. You'll probably take a cute selfie together to show your future children.

*insert gagging and eye rolling here

But maybe that's just me letting my imagination get the best of me. The reality is, today is about love. There's not much hope for a relationship founded on lies, a relationship where the girl knew the guy was married but pursued him anyway, where the guy chose to cheat on a wife who loved him. I don't call that love, though I'm sure they would disagree with me. I'd much rather be alone than in a relationship like that. I'd much rather be alone than in a relationship where my spouse is cheating on me. If you look at it that way, being alone doesn't seem so bad.

While part of me is cynical, another part of me still has hope. Hope that one day, I will find love again. Hope that one day, I'll get to have the family I dreamed about. Hope that one day, I'll find someone who truly appreciates me and everything I bring to the table, rather than making the choice to lie to my face and cheat on me in my own home. In the bed that I got for my very first big girl apartment out of college, with the headboard that I painted myself. It may have been the guest bed, but in the beginning it was mine. Then when we moved in together, it became ours. It only turned into the guest bed when we moved and decided to upgrade. And I'm getting off topic again... So, even though it's just a glimmer right now, the hope for those things is still there. Someday in the future, because right now the thought of all that scares the heck out of me. The thought of letting myself fall in love again makes me want to run away and hide in a place where no one can find me. Hence, someday.

If you're in a similar season of life, my thoughts are with you. I know how hard all these firsts can be. Especially if, like me, you were completely blind-sided. But guess what? You don't have to be okay today. It's okay to grieve for what you thought you had, what you thought you would have. It's okay to grieve for the kids you never had, the dream house you never bought, the trip to Europe you never took. It's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to have mixed feelings, too. It's okay to think all of those things, but still realize that you'd rather be alone than living a lie.

Valentine's Day may be about hugs and kisses, and while I'm not going to give you a kiss (because that would be weird), I am going to send a virtual hug - a great big bear hug, as my late grandma used to say. Whatever you choose to do today, wherever you're at in your journey, you will be okay. I promise you that you will. Because I remember the days, not even that long ago, when I felt like I couldn't go on. When I felt like I had nothing to live for. But I trudged on, and you can, too. Valentine's Day is also about love. No matter who you are, where you are, or how you are, you still have the ability to love yourself. For the person you are and the progress you're making. For having the strength to hold on while the rain pelted and stung you in a way you never knew was possible.

Love yourself. And if you can't do that right now, just know that you ARE loved - even if it is by some random girl writing a blog who-knows-where.