Shattered

trigger warning: suicidal ideation

The following blog entry was taken from an audio recording I made on June 27th, 2024. It's not EXACTLY word-for-word, because I did make the executive decision to take out all the "uhms" and "you knows"- but hopefully you'll thank me for that! I also left out a few irrelevant personal details. I said this blog was going to be raw and real - and it is - so don't be surprised if there are more than a few four letter words below. Finally, for the sake of privacy, I chose to use first initials when referring to others rather than their actual names.

Well I'm a few days past my 28th birthday and so far it sucks. My life just crumbled to pieces really out of nowhere, or at least that's how I feel. I mean, a month ago, I honestly thought that I had the happiest relationship in the world. I loved my husband. I thought he loved me. I was so excited for this house. I was so excited for our future together - making this our home, making new memories, just all of the things. We finally had our own place, like we finally achieved our dream. And a couple months later, and now that's just POOF.

It's like it didn't even happen. And I don't know who you are anymore. You know, overnight, you changed. And I know what's going on. I know that you're cheating on me, and I know you're cheating on me with K, and it pisses me off because I knew something was wrong from the beginning. I knew something was up, and you made me feel crazy and you invalidated all of my concerns, and all I wanted was for you to set some boundaries, and you didn't want to do that either. And apparently you just want to throw away a seven year relationship and an almost four year marriage for what - someone you've known a couple of months?

I just gave so much to you. I gave so much of myself to you, and I did so much for you, and I did it because I loved you. And I know I didn't have to, but that's how much I loved you. I wanted to make things as easy for you as I could (he had ADHD and struggled to remember tasks), and if that meant feeding the geckos and picking up groceries and calling in food and picking up your prescriptions and whatever else it may be, I did it because I love you. And I just feel like I wasn't appreciated. I did all of this while I was working ten more hours a week than you, while I was working freaking 7am to 6pm, busting my butt, dealing with bitchy customers.

And this is how you repay me? It's just really hurtful and you're the last person that I thought would ever do this to me. And I don't know, I'm just really sad because I just feel, like I said, my entire life is in shambles. I'm sitting here grieving the loss of something that apparently wasn't what I thought it was. And you're probably f***ing K in that hotel room right now, and it's just disgusting. And I wanna hate you and part of me does, but I also still love you. And what's f***ed up is that I still wanna make this work, but I can't.

I can't.

I can't put up with this. This betrayal is the worst thing that I've ever felt so far in my entire life, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. And I don't know what's gonna happen with my life. I don't know where I'm gonna go. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I don't know anything, but I'm gonna have to find myself again and rebuild my entire life without you.

I never thought I'd have to face a life without you. I thought we were each other's person. "You're my person, Hannah, you're my soulmate." And that was just a bunch of f***ing BS. I mean, either it was BS or you meant it, but I don't think you meant it because if you meant it, you wouldn't have moved on to this next b***h so fast.

You told me, "Hannah, one of the happiest days of my life was standing up at the altar and seeing you in your dress." And it's just so painful. Because I feel like everything was a lie. I spent seven years of my life with someone that I thought I was going to spend forever with. Seven years was just a drop in the bucket and just, overnight, just like that, it's gone. Poof. Disappeared. And you turned into someone that I don't know, and I just wish that you would tell me. I just wish that you would say "Hannah, I'm cheating on you. I'm sorry and I know it's wrong, but I can't do this anymore" and just be done.

But no, you're going to play all these stupid f***ing games and lie to me and try to make me out to be the bad person when the whole time it's been you. I'm kind of rambling at this point, but I just don't know. I feel like my life... now I'm one of THOSE people. Like this is one of the defining moments of my life. It's always going to be before and after. Before C and after C. Before he cheated on me and after he cheated on me.

And you f***ed up my future relationships. I mean, I'm not even thinking about a relationship right now. I don't want to think about dating. I don't want to think about doing this again. I don't want to think about any of it. But I don't know how I'm supposed to ever trust anyone again because I trusted you for seven f***ing years. I trusted you with my life. And apparently that just didn't mean anything. You've f***ed up my life now in so many ways. I wanted a family so bad, and I finally thought that I had it, and I love your family so much. I love H and I love your mom and I love BH and LH and I love the kids. And the f***ed up thing about all of this is they're probably all going to hate me because who knows what you f***ing told them. So I'm going to lose all of that. I'm going to lose not just you, but I'm gonna lose my family. And it just sucks. It really does.

And I look at everything in this house, and I just want to scream and throw things and then part of me also wants to just go, like, jump off the balcony or something because this was supposed to be happy. This was supposed to be our home together. This was supposed to be the happiest time of our life. Where we spend our forever together. And that's not going to happen anymore. There is no forever for us. This house represents a dream that was just a dream. And it hurts. And I know no one's ever going to hear this (except me), but I just want to say I just wish you'd tell me you're sorry and that you'd actually mean it. But I know you're not sorry. The last thing I want to say is that I still f***ing love you, and I always will, even though you treated me like s**t in the end.