The Proof Is In the Pancakes

This is probably going to be the hardest post I write. I know it's the one I'm least looking forward to writing. And that's because this post is going to take me back to one of the worst days in my life - when I got the confirmation I was looking for. I don't really want to relive these memories, but I also know that it's necessary to face them. Not just for me, but hopefully for others. If even one person feels less alone because of what I write, then I'll consider that a success. A quick note to my readers - if you haven't read it yet, please check out this blog post first so you'll be able to follow the continuation of the story below.

So, here I was, almost certain my husband was sneaking around behind my back, but with no proof and repeated denials from him that anything was going on between him and K. To make matters worse, my 90-year-old grandmother had recently fallen and hit her head, which landed her in the ICU. I had already been up to visit once and had another visit coming up, but things were still pretty shaky as to whether or not she would be okay. My birthday was coming up, too. Here's where my thoughts were at, per a video I made on June 23rd. "Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. And I should be excited but I'm not, because I'm pretty positive my husband is cheating on me.This is the first birthday that I don't even care about. I honestly don't care. I'm not excited. It's gonna be just another day."

My birthday was pretty uneventful. The one thing I do remember, that will always stick with me, is what my husband told me that day. We were discussing why he stopped wearing his wedding ring. Previously, he said it was too big, which was fair because he had lost weight, but I didn't see why we couldn't resize it or order a cheap band he could wear temporarily. His exact words were that his ring represented a "prison" and that he wasn't in the "right mental headspace to make that kind of commitment right now." Once again, I was so confused. Was he not there on our wedding day, when we stood at the altar and said our vows to each other? I thought we had already MADE that commitment, years before. So what the heck was he talking about? And my husband always faithfully wore his ring. In fact, he wore his more than I wore mine. If he felt imprisoned in our marriage, how come he hadn't told me that before he bought a house with me? And how come all of these comments suspiciously line up with the introduction of K?

On June 25th, the day after my birthday, we had our second marital counseling appointment. I was hoping it would go better than the last one. At our first appointment, we each described our marriage to the therapist. Well, his version was completely different than my version. It was so different that it was hard to believe we were even talking about the same marriage. My perspective was that I thought we were a happy couple, but that I was very uncomfortable with C's newfound "friendship" with K. I wanted advice on how to proceed. I truly wanted to know who was in the wrong here. If it was me, I was ready to be corrected. His perspective was that he "already had one foot out the door" - which was news to me - that he had been unhappy for years, and that he thought I was being "controlling" by not wanting him to be constantly talking to & hanging out with K. I was in tears for much of the appointment, because much of what he was telling the therapist was straight-up lies. He made me out to be mentally unstable. Anyway, on our 2nd appointment, I told the therapist that I felt completely blind-sided by everything. She asked him why he hadn't discussed his concerns with me sooner. This question seemed to agitate him, and he essentially told her that he had tried but I hadn't been receptive, and that he was concerned for my safety and even his own. He was describing me as if I had been violent, as if I had frequent suicidal tendencies, neither of which were true. The therapist asked him if he could focus solely on me and our relationship during this period, and he said that he could.

Immediately after the session, he told me in a text that he was "thinking of getting a hotel room tonight." We had a Marriott credit card that allowed us to accumulate points, so he was able to get a room for free from June 25th to June 29th. He texted me on June 26th and said "I feel like we're heading in the right direction." He also said "Yeah babe honestly the distance is helping me decompress." Well, I was suspicious of him being at this hotel, so I got a third party involved to do some staking out. Lo and behold, the entire time he was at the hotel, both his car AND her car were at the hotel. I was headed in the right direction, but it still wasn't enough for me. It still wasn't solid proof. Later, when I confronted him about this, he insisted that nothing had happened at the hotel, that she slept on the couch, that he had just needed a friend to talk to. But I can tell you right now, if the roles had been reversed, he would have thrown a fit, and rightly so. But I don't believe she slept on the couch. I'm not stupid.

On June 30th, I left to go visit my grandma again. She was out of the ICU now, but still not doing well. However, I had something up my sleeve before I got on the road. I had purchased 3 small wireless cameras that I set up both inside & outside the house. The cameras were motion triggered, but you could also watch them live on the corresponding app. I made sure to hide them really well. I was terrified he would find them, but it was a risk I was willing to take. I HAD to know what was really going on. I was anxious every time I got a notification. And finally, the evening of the very same day that I left, I got my answer. The outside camera clearly showed K's car in the driveway, and her walking up the front steps into the home C and I had just purchased the previous month. I was in my parent's kitchen. I started sobbing and fell into my mom's arms.

On July 1st, C had the nerve to text me to ask "So are we doing counseling tomorrow or no?" I said no, that I had canceled the appointment. I couldn't believe it. How could it be that easy for him to lie to me? To act like we could save our marriage when at that very moment, another woman was in our house, alone with MY husband? Over the next few days, I saw and heard much more than I ever wanted to. I saw her walking around completely naked. I saw my husband walking around completely naked with her. I saw her humping our dog like it was a funny joke. I saw my husband kissing her and shoving his hands into her back pockets. And the worst one of all - I heard them. I heard my husband having sex with a woman who was not me. While I was at a breakfast cafe eating pancakes. Can't say that's a moment I'll ever forget. Nothing like casually eating pancakes while my husband is screwing another woman at our house. And then he had the nerve to text me and tell me that he JUST WOKE UP afterwards. What I wanted to say was, I'll bet you did. But I pretended that I was oblivious. And all the while, he continued to act like he was having such a great time, accomplishing all these projects around the house.

One of the most messed up moments, in my opinion, was the video that recorded C saying "I'm gonna go call Hannah." And K said "Dude, she IS like your mom." I mean, what does that even mean?! I guess she thought it was weird that a married man would be calling to check in with his wife. He then walked outside and proceeded to call me, while I played dumb. That was one of the hardest weeks I've ever been through. I wanted nothing more than to get in my car, drive up there, and bust them in the middle of the night. But I knew that wasn't a good plan, and might have ended up with me in jail (only half joking there). I said I wasn't a violent person, and I'm not, but the thought of another woman in my home, with my pets, walking around naked like she owned the place, having sex with my husband, with our wedding pictures on the wall, made me reconsider. Thankfully (for me and for her), my parents talked some sense into me.

He continued to lie to me that entire week. July 3rd, he told me he was out hiking. I asked him if he was by himself, and he said yes. Then he told me that WE should do that trail together sometime. Later that same day, they admitted my grandma back to the ER. I told him via text "Idk if she's gonna pull through this to be honest, she has zero quality of life. It's horrible hearing her scream and holler. I had to feed her last night. She can't even stand up." And his only response was "Hopefully she can make it through." No real concern for me, for her, no offer to come up and be with me. Instead, he was having the time of his life with his "friend" K, probably thinking about how stupid I was and how I had no idea what was going on at my house while I was gone.

So. That's the story. That's how I found out my husband was cheating on me. For me, the real confirmation was at that breakfast table. Because even when I saw her walking up our front steps, I wanted to believe that there was another explanation, even when I knew in my heart what was going to happen. But sitting at that booth in the corner of the little cafe, eating my pancakes, only to check the camera and hear them having sex, that was when I got my confirmation. The proof was not in the pudding, it was in the pancakes. I'm honestly surprised I still like pancakes. You'd think they'd trigger my PTSD or something. Speaking of PTSD, that's enough painful memories for the day, so the confrontation with C will have to wait til next time.

"Infidelity is not a mistake, it's a choice." - Unknown